Five Signs Your Cat Wants You Dead

Cats are killers. It’s what they do. Even when they appear to be playing, they’re actually just practicing methods of murder. And we let them in our houses. We feed them. We cuddle them, for crying out loud!

So, how can you protect yourself? What are the signs you need to look out for to know that your cat is plotting your untimely demise?

1. Your cat starts bringing more dead wildlife in

Never install a cat flap or pet door in your house – it might be the only thing keeping you alive!

Imagine your cat has decided to kill you using chemical warfare. It could kill a mouse (or rabbit, or bird), rub the corpse against some toxic mushrooms, then dump it in your kitchen and scarper. That would certainly be one explanation for why my Mister Smith keeps dropping its prey onto my lovely clean floors…

And it all started when I installed the cat flap. I realise now that my cat was only letting me live as long as I was needed – with food abundant in the nearby woods, my only role in her life (yes he’s a she) was opening and closing the doors and acting as an ersatz scratching post. Cat flap – fatal mistake.

2. Your cat becomes more fastidious about grooming

She’s getting ready for his meeting with the real estate agent – once her plan has paid off, she’s selling your house, and getting a condo in California, because she’s heard that’s where all the cool cats hang out.

What can you do? Spend more time playing with your cat. Tire her out so she doesn’t have energy for schemes and plots. And maybe get a kitten or puppy.  Your first cat will be so indignant, she might forget what she was planning.

3. Your cat is absent for days at a time

She’s consulting with her confederates. It’s going to be an ambush, and there’s going to be a whole load of them, all rushing you at once. That’s how it goes down. It’s how you die.

What can you do? Get another cat – maybe get another couple of cats. If she thinks she has co-conspirators near at hand, your cat will become indiscreet, and you can foil her dastardly plan.

4. Your cats spend a lot of time sleeping on your bed

They have toxins in their fur that are leeching out into your sheets, your duvet, your pillows If you don’t act soon, it will be too late.

What can you do? Invest in a radiator cat bed. Place it over a radiator which can be safely left on at a low heat 24/7. Cats are suckers for heat, and the radiator bed will be warmer than yours.

5. Your cats refuse to eat the expensive cat food they’ve always had

The cats have realised that the holistic, all-natural ingredients of their premium kibble are, in fact, kryptonite to their homicidal superpowers. They’re desperately trying to convince you to buy them some junk cat food so they can level back up

What can you do? Don’t give in. Add gravy to the life-saving kibble. Your cats will eat, eventually.

So, there you have it – the five signs your cat is planning to kill you, and how you can foil their plans. A final note: preemptive strikes won’t work. When injured in any way, cats release pheromones that summon an army of murder-optimized felines from all points within a five mile radius. At that point, the end is upon you: there is no way out of death by cat. So, be kind to kitties.